Matresence and the 4th trimester

“The most difficult part of birth is the first year afterwards. It is the year of travail – when the soul of a woman must birth the mother inside her. The emotional labor pains of becoming a mother are far greater than the physical pangs of birth; these are the growing surges of your heart as it pushes out selfishness and fear and makes room for sacrifice and love. It is a private and silent birth of the soul, but it is no less holy than the event of childbirth, perhaps it is even more sacred.”

Joy Kusek

During pregnancy there is often much talk about morning sickness, birth choices and to how to get breast-feeding off to a great start. Yet we are strangely quiet about the dramatic and often overwhelming changes that occur as your identity shifts and changes in new parenthood.

Just as a baby grows in the womb and is born into the world, so is the mother.

The Fourth Trimester

This period of transition after birth is often called the ‘fourth trimester’. This 3 month period encompasses the transition from pregnancy to motherhood, and a transition from womb to world for baby. A period after birth when parents and baby are adjusting to their new lives.

Traditions relating to this period can be found all over the world. This may be referred to as ‘doing the month’ or ‘lying in’ and in most traditional cultures involves the mother being cared for by a female family member, offering practical assistance such as household cleaning and cooking and the preparation of warm and nourishing foods. This allows the mother to get to know her baby, establish feeding and recover from birth.

Matresence

Matresence is a phrase we use to describe the ‘process of becoming a mother’. It is gaining recognition as a developmental stage, similar to adolescence with large shifts in emotional, hormonal, physical and social changes. Often overlooked there is little thought to the process of becoming…of becoming a parent, a family, a mother.

The process is intense. New experiences, feelings and emotions are often coupled with a lack of sleep and the overwhelming practicalities of a new baby.

Navigating this period of transition is intense. Women begin to adjust to changes in identity, body, relationships and career. It may be a more difficult path if you have experienced previous trauma in your life or recent birth trauma.

Navigating matrescence and the fourth trimester

With preparation, supportive education and  simple tools woven into your daily life you can make the transition easier and gentler for you and your baby.

It may feel as if you a different person to who  you were before. In fact, you are that still that person, she still exists, but she is just me.

Understanding the experience for your baby

Your baby has been held in a warm, closed, muffled environment for the past 9ish months. They need time to process the sights, sounds, smells, and temperature changes of the world. Understandably they communicate this sensory overload by crying. Understandably babies cry more in the first three months of life than any other time.

Imagine what it is like to be in the womb and mimic these sensations during the fourth trimester. The closer your baby feels to you the more content they will be. If they can hear your voice, hear your heartbeat, be held firmly and enjoy the sensations of a full stomac, they will settle and be calm. You cannot spoil your newborn baby. Healthy attachment is built on responding to their needs.

Self compassion

Speak to yourself as you would a friend navigating a big life transition. Speak with love and compassion. Speak kindly, go gently and give yourself time.

Remind yourself you are not alone in these feelings of uncertainty – reach out and connect with others who are going through similar experiences.

Perfection and motherhood cannot coexist. Let go, accept the messiness and be present because good is good enough.

Remember comparison is the thief of joy. Comparing your life to the filtered highlight reel of someone’s else’s experience is often unhelpful, but more often destabilising. Turn off, stop scrolling and look at what is right in front of you. List three things in your mind right now you are grateful for immediately in this moment. The cup of tea in front of you, your baby’s smile, the clear blue sky…and watch your mindset shift.

Nurturing Us

To care for your baby, your health and wellbeing must be a priority. You cannot nourish your baby if you don't take time to nourish yourself.

Nourishing foods, drinking plenty of water, a walk, a special tea, a phone call with a friend will make a difference to your mood, your energy levels and your motherhood experience.

Mindful Movement

When you are ready, gentle movement will help your body heal and regain strength. Your body and how it is able to move will be different following pregnancy and birth. Start with gentle mindful movement, connect and listen to how this feels.

There is no rush to step out into the world, but when you are ready gradually increase your activity listening to how your body feels. Move, stretch and feel the sunlight on your face at least once every day.

Cultivating Connection

Being present, in this moment is the essence of cultivating connection with your baby. This interactive and dynamic process allows your baby to develop secure attachment as your baby picks up on emotional cues. When you baby sends you signals they are ready to connect, be there with them in the moment. A secure attachment is fostered from the non-verbal communications shared between you and your baby.

It can often feel the practicalities of caring for a new baby leave little space for anything else. Especially if this is your first experience of parenthood, the learning curve is steep, allow yourself, time and patience to feel confident.

Your partner is also navigating this path as they step into a new role, new identity. Nurture yourself and each other so that you don’t just survive this parenthood journey, but thrive as you grow as a family as your baby grows and develops.

To cultivate connection, communicate. Communicating with your partner is the key to maintaining connection and to understand what this process is like for them. You are both adjusting to lifestyle changes, financial pressures, practicalities of a new baby, changes to intimacy and you both come from different families with different parenting styles…it’s a lot!

Who am I?

It is completely normal to miss the life you led before you had a baby. You can both miss this and love your baby, the two are mutually exclusive.

This is a time of transformation and transition. This can be inevitable challenging and require you to sit in discomfort.

As a society we understand the period of life known as adolescence but we recognise motherhood less as a period of transition, change and  growth. We are comfortable with adolescence bringing changes in the brain, hormonal upheaval and big physical changes. In a much shorter period of time, matresence occurs and the birth of a mother is miraculous, powerful and a huge life adjustment.

This is often experienced as feelings of overwhelm. But lean in, it will be a wild ride but as a parent you will emerge, strong, courageous and with a love and protectiveness that will surprise you.

Other Helpful resources

Books
Mindful Mama by Sophie Fletcher

Becoming Us by Elly Taylor

Resources
PANDA - Perinatal Anxiety and Depression Australia
Supporting the mental health of parents and families during pregnancy and in their first year of parenthood.